I'm not fine

My PowerBook died, again. It won't boot, again. It's giving me a flashing question mark, again. I cried, again.

I'm having a nervous breakdown. I'm going to stop working on Thesis and therefore fail. I can't fool myself into thinking it's going to be fine anymore. I'm going to take next semester off. I need help. No one really seems to know the severity of how I feel because I'm keeping it hidden and making it sound not so bad. It's not just a matter of getting a kick in the pants to get going anymore. It's not enough. I've never failed a class in my entire life. The lowest grade I ever got was a C and that was only once right after my mom died. I've never felt so horrible in my entire life. I spent 5 days in a row sitting at home trying to get myself motivated to work, trying to give myself a reason to keep working and I can't find it. And I want to work so bad. More than anything I want to wake up happy and eager to do things. I want to know that doing things is important and worthwhile. It's hard to get myself out of bed in the morning and more days this week than not I haven't. When getting out of bed in the morning is my greatest accomplishment of the day, I know I can't keep living with this mindset I'm in.

I have to convince myself that I'm not a quitter or a total failure now. I have to convince myself that my dad won't look down on me. I have to get the courage to tell my teachers tomorrow that I can't do this anymore. I haven't even had the courage yet to tell them why I'm so behind. I felt like I could never explain myself because I thought they would just read it like the excuses of a lazy student. I want to be brave enough to just be honest now. I want to be brave enough to put myself first before work.

I want to feel happiness is real and not just a fake feeling I have for a nano second. I want to take the punches and roll with them instead of just laying on the ground paralyzed. I need to find the strength to somehow believe that this isn't everything and it's okay to just be me.

The way I feel has gotten worse and worse and worse and when I think it can't get any worse, it just did. I want to get better but I need help.