When I woke up this morning I had this thought:
I want to pull out everyone I care about from their bad habits, mine included. Especially mine.
I'm starting to care more about myself but it's a long, slow process. I'm impatient about a lot of things but not so much about my positive growth because these days, everyday, I'm trying at least a little bit. Of course there have been a couple days in the past couple weeks where I have slipped up really badly but I've accepted that they've happened and that the slip ups are okay because I'm still moving along, albeit very slowly. I just needed a course correction but my general trajectory is moving me in the direction that feels right.
Friday morning I woke up from a dream; he called me and said, "Hey, how are you doing?" More likely than not, I'm just asking myself that.
I woke up in the middle of the night freaking out about pretty much everything I had been worrying myself with all week. Getting a job, facing phobias, exercising, being a good friend and girlfriend, being vegetarian, getting my citizenship, paying bills/money, taking care of my brother, and answering the question, "What should I do with my life?"
After my freak out I realized that I just woken from a dream in which I was unknowingly and uncontrollably destroying things the people love. I felt like a ruining force in people's lives, that just by association I was making their lives tougher not better. The idea that I'm like that, whether true or not, hurts me very deeply.
I'm having doubts about the way I've been doing things and even what I value. When I see a problem in my relationships with people should I make an obvious effort to be better or does trying too hard not work? If I feel something should I let it be known or should I think it over (and how long should I think it over) before saying anything?
I only feel half (quarter?) as uncertain as I was feeling at my most dramtically low in recent times but I feel more sensitive to these unsettling feelings because I know just how bad they can get. I want to catch it as soon as it hits me and do something about it. The trouble is figuring out the solution. Last year I knew the solution I just needed to convince myself that it was okay to go against something I had so strongly believed in. I already had my solution and I had already made up my mind that I was going to do it, the only problem was doing it. This is something that I have problems with-- knowing what the next step is and just not being able to take it.
I can't sleep.
I had this dream about a year ago.
I dreamt that I was a small child floating in a black ocean at night with no shore in sight. I was scared and tired of swimming. I didn’t even know which direction was getting me further away from shore or closer so I just floated. Then I saw my brother, who was also a child, swim towards me. He didn’t say anything but we both saw a huge black cup floating in the distance. He swam towards it and brought it back to me. We both got in and floated in it. By dawn we had arrived at the shore and an old man with a beard waved at us.
I woke up feeling lonely and cold.
I had yet another totally vivid dream last night. Again, it was disturbing and I woke up feeling completely exhausted. I'm not digging these dreams.
This makes no sense.
This time in the dream I was hanging out with some girls at a picnic table at a street fair. We were taking about makeup removers and I suggested that the girls try using cold cream to wipe away eye makeup. For some reason the girls said, "We black girls don't like to use cold cream-- it's racist." Huh? They seemed weird so left when a group of my guy friends showed up.
I had a large backpack with me that contained something rather important, but I don't know what it was. After walking around the fair with my friends for a while carrying the pack was getting pretty tough. My friend suggested that I put it in his car that was parked on the side of a hill with lots of trees. So he and I treked up the hill and I threw my bag into the seat of the car.
On our way back down these thugs ran past us in a furry. There was some commotion and suddenly I needed to get my bag back. I was feeling scared about the situation and I asked my friend to go with me to get my bag but he said he had to deal with whatever was going on with the thugs. I went back up the hill to the car to get my bag. When I approached the car this large red figure started chasing after me. She looked kind of like a clown in her bright red, flowing, costume and painted white face. She had this thing that looked like a really large slide whistle and she kept blowing the high pitched whistle. She was so scary and the whistle's sound was painfu. I ran up the hill when she started chasing me. I went over the top of the hill and back down to my friends.
I told my friends that was very scared but really needed to get my backpack. I kept trying to explain to my friend that I needed him to help get the bag back because the woman in the red costumes was trying to get me. He refused because he said he watch out for the thugs. He told me to go alone. I kept pleading with him but he refuses to help me so I went alone. I ran up the hill again and the woman was there again, chasing after me.
I wish I knew what was in the bag.
That's when I woke up.
Ever since I got back from class yesterday I've felt completely exhausted. I took a nap this afternoon and woke up from a horrible dream.
1. I'm living in a swanky SoMA-type concrete loft that's oddly very brightly lit. The only way to get to the stairs is by climbing a latter, like a bunk bed. Actually, when I climbed the ladder to get to the top the whole floor was a bed. There were many artistic/yuppie/hippe types lounging around drinking and looking good. It felt kinda Morrocan like that scene in Zoolander.
2. I'm feeling really anxious and looking for my dad for some reason. I must be the one throwing the party because it's my loft but I'm sure not having any fun with everyone else. None of these people seem like my friends.
3. I go downstairs to look for my dad again. There's only one person downstairs despite that the upstairs is packed with people. He looks likes like an Ivy League professor from movies-- older, thin, wearing a tweed suit and wire-framed glasses.
4. He calls over to me and he says things that I feel like he shouldn't know about me. I'm taken aback so I ignore him and keep hunting for my dad but he pulls my arm. He grabs my wrist hard and tugs it behind me; he does the same thing to my other arm. With one hand on my wrists he wraps his arm around my neck choking me. I try to wriggle out but I can't and I can't seem to make any sounds when I scream for help.
That's it. That's when I woke up in a sweat.
I had yet another dream after I fell asleep this afternoon while reading.
I was in the car with Devin. He was driving us around in the downtown area of an unfamilar city. The downtown was cramped with tall buildings and equally tall palm trees. Everything was so clean. The ground was wet with rain where it pooled together there were mirror-like puddles. He asked me if I had my point-and-shoot camera. I said no and he replied, "I thought you always had that with you." He parked the car and we got out. He looked at a puddle. From a distance it looked like a well with water pouring into it but when I got closer it was like any other 2 inch deep puddle. The wall next to the was bright orange and had fire escape stairs. We walked away in seach of more things to photograph only we didn't have a camera.
I can't quite remember what happened in the dream I had last night but I do remember sitting on the floor with two other people in the room. One man was standing near an easel with a large pad of paper and another man was sitting in a designer chair. Out the window of the room I could see skyscrapers. It was one of those dreams where I can see myself in the scene. I was naked from the waist up and very skinny-- my spine and ribs were poking out. In the middle of the spine was a protrusion. It looked like a thin knife with a blue plastic handle. I looked very worried and kept turning to try to see the knife. Everyone seemed so sad. Only the man standing was saying anything but I don't remember what he was talking about.
So I had a dream that I was in high school again except of course it wasn't my high school beause there were boys. My dream didn't seem to care that there were boys though because after school I brought home a girl with whom I got off. That's the only part of the dream worth mentioning.
ed: I wasn't a girl I know from waking life.
I should probably be lying down with my eyes closed because I'm seeing migraine visuals, which makes it difficult to see, but instead I'll tell you a few things.
I had a dream about you last night. We were going to school together but it was more high school than college. Our classes were adjacent to each other and ended at the same time-- it was history for me and writing for you. I saw you come out of your classroom and head to the library but you never noticed me looking at you. I walked towards a field with two other girls who were going the same way. They carried a pile of books and were talking loudly about their last writing critique. "Oh my god! His writing! Who does he think he is? What an idiot!" Then they dramatically recited some lines he wrote and laughed hysterically. I laughed too and they looked over at me. So I said, "I know who you're talking about; I dated him." I said goodbye to them when they went towards another building and I walked onto the field.
My dad called at 11:30 last night to tell us he's gonna be here on Sunday... with his girlfriend. Ugh.
Ugh.
I have work to do.
I have migraine visuals.
NOTE: In the comments "Daydreamer"=Davi. I checked your IP address, Davi.
I dreamt that I was dressed in motorcycle leathers, on one those sport bikes. I was riding on the freeway at night not quiet sure where I was going so I followed the car in front of me. I was feeling really confused (maybe cuz I HATE driving!) so I just kept following the traffic. Then the car suddenly switched all these lanes and got on the off ramp. So, confused and clueless about where I was going, I followed. As I turned the bike flipped and threw me off the bike. I pratically did a somersault in the air and landed flat on my back in the middle of the lane. Then, this is weird, there were two of me! There was Monica on the ground unconscious and Monica standing looking at the other Monica. I was the standing Monica. I wasn't what I should do about body laying there so I carried it over to the sidewalk on the ramp. Soon police and paramedics showed up. The cops asked me some questions but went away quickly. Then a paramedic started chatting with me. Eventutally he got to trying to explain to me some kind of signage code made up of colored diamond shapes. It didn't make sense to me. When I finally felt the code click, I woke up.