i am paper
you are the pen
the lines you draw shape me
they think they can read me
but there's so much between
i am paper
you are the pen
the lines you wrote
i've read them
they say things you don't mean
i am paper
shapes change on me
squares and circles
dots and strikes
pictures they make
but feeling dissipates
i am paper
folded into a bird
you are the pen
riding me down
i am paper
floating below
i am the paper
unfolded and flightless
Seeking subtle shifts
Of granular subtraction
the gray of a hair
invisible in dimness
your gauzy memory
glowing away wrinkles
blurring away frustration
soft aching
wistful
and she
with lungs filled with your vapor
holds her breath
day after day
savoring
then exhales
and chokes on your absence
and in a breath
warmth has cooled
and fall has begun
friendship, one by one,
dissolved by imbalance,
like breaking down like
Vein to Vein (8/2005)
Vein to vein
Mirror images, mouths and fingers
Your hearts are waiting in line to tessellate
Clumsy beast walking by, wishing you well
Brush away the dust in my echoed cavity
And tell me, I can wet the planes to wash
The patterns into the bucket to stir it up
And start over again
september sapphire (9/2005)
take this day
shape me like you
that last night
twisted in your sheets
entangled in this unraveling mess
did you see me tuck love away?
between the broken clouds
let the breeze carry me away
september sapphire aging in a wedding ring
you'll never see me throw out these blues
i only tuck them away
Walking to the hum of the street lights
keys pinched in my finger tips
jangle
making myself known
velvet bag swinging by my side
these long strides take me home
but I turn the corner
changing my mind
thinking i should just go home
but i keep going
four more blocks
to find the door shut
i change my mind
i turn the corner
in a circle homeward
stepping to the hum of the street light
what am i doing
what am i doing
what am i doing
day after a day
opening a door to an empty room
what am i doing
here alone
and there alone
take this day
shape me like you
that last night
twisted in your sheets
entangled in this unraveling mess
did you see me tuck love away?
between the broken clouds
let the breeze carry me away
september sapphire aging in a wedding ring
you'll never see me throw out these blues
i only tuck them away
counting your eye lashes
he loves me, he loves me not
each with a little upward bend in brown
each falls out
he loves me, he loves me not
each grows back
he loves me, he loves me not
each lays on his pink cheek
and I brush them away
he loves me, he loves me not
(2005 july 10)
Vein to vein
Mirror images, mouths and fingers
Your hearts are waiting in line to tessellate
Clumsy beast walking by, wishing you well
Brush away the dust in my echoed cavity
And tell me, I can wet the planes to wash
The patterns into the bucket to stir it up
And start over again
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Also, I love Rilo Kiley:
"Portions For Foxes"
There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"
And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news
And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news
'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you
'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes
There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left
And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too
And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news
You're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you
the nights are the toughest
the slow creeping
and the sudden realization of
lonely-ness
lone-ness
one-ness
not two-ness
it's a chill that only
the warmth of another's hand
could rub away
and I say, "There's trouble when everything is fine..." the need to
destroy things creeps up on me everytime... and just as love's
silhouette appears... I close my eyes and disappear...--Jenny L.
I'm coming down to meet tears
avoiding talks and facing fears
this isn't all
tell me to stay away
push me down a hill
into another man
i'll go so easily
rolling, slip sliding
you don't know what this means
you don't know how far your little tap will take me
but you're knocking me out of orbit
you miss me and i miss you
and then we put these lines in place
do not cross
they are piercing me when i press up against these rails
to peek at you with her
they are keeping us apart
don't be surprised when they hurt you too
responsibility
perspective
commitment
and emotions
lining up and having a fight
these new shoes are giving me blisters
i've been walking 'round in circles
pacing all over town
looking for an answer to land
my mouth won't do the moving
and my feet don't know where to go
damnit I just don't fucking know
In his room she leans in
listening
pondering possibilities
thinking of restraints
how beautiful it would be
to fly solo again
how safe
is this cocoon
without any
wiggle room
the fear sets in
unready to protect
wanting to break away
hoping he won't mind
pretending to look away
taking a peek
she glances at her wrist
checking time
pondering possibilities
thinking of restraints
saying nothing and
signaling yes
opening up and
keeping secrets
she takes her time and
puts it in her pocket
leans in close and
listens
savoring possibility
putting aside restraint.
Can there be some happy medium between living in denial and cutting her out of my life? "It's good to keep promises, but certain kinds of promises are a kind of wishful thinking nourished by the euphoria of love... A breakup is in itself a kind of broken promise."
Me: I'm depressed
Antonio: I know you are. I heard that there's a way to calculate how long heartache from a break up will last.
Me: Yeah? I was talking about this yesterday.
Antonio: Yeah, you divide the length of the relationship by half and that's how long it's gonna hurt.
Me: ... That means it's gonna be a year and a half before I recover.
Antonio: Two months have already gone by...
I saw a movie over the weekend about a father, child, and aunt. The kid is a genius as well as being adorably sweet and insightful. The father, a professor with a deep faith in math and science, is taking care of his son while the mother is away. The loving, religious, aunt also takes care of the child. It's early in the winter and the kid wants to take his new ice skates he knows his mom and dad got him for christmas out onto the freshly frozen lake. The dad calculates the thickness of the lake and finds that the ice is thick enough to hold someone three times the weight of the little boy. He gives him the okay to take the ice skates. The next day the neighborhood is shaken up to find that their children are missing and the ice on the lake has broken. The boy is gone.
Moral of the story: God hates you. If you put too much faith in science, God will kill your sweet, insightful, genius son. If you put too much faith in God, God, will kill your sweet insightful, genius nephew.
Tell me how I should differentiate
between loveless and hopeless
These words are leaping off the page
laughing at me
You're telling your friends I'm a spoiled bitch
but you're fucking girls without names
That girl you loved
at least she had a name and a song and a scar
I am only the letter X with an article: The
I don't know what's what
because you only want the pretty ones
Tell me how I should differentiate
between love and hate
All my dreams were planned for two
your dreams now taken from you
You're telling your friends never again
but telling me not now, but soon
Tell me how I should differentiate
between shallow and deep
when I'm always falling face first
and drowning
i make promises to myself
like:
i will
never
categorize + number
your flaws
but
i am
checking off
a chalkboard list
i press on
the gold stars
they fall off
i will go through the motions
taking it off and turning you on
i will make you weak
opening you up and closing off
i will conjure up feelings
you didn't know you had
i broke my own heart
and now i want you
to put it back
t o g e t h e r
this is not a master plan
it is an endless
predictable loop
with no exit
still
i want to feel you radiate
ideally
i will
put away the past
and like a morning glory
open up to the sun
but always
fragile and waiting
for the sun to set.
I'm thinking about you today with heartache sitting in the hollow of my chest. It took me a long time to believe that love is not inherently beautiful.
----------------------------------
November 11, 2001
beautiful summer
you take me away from time
a prelude to more
i wish your bed was
our bed so i could save you
from nightmares with love
----------------------------------
Poets die young. Isn't this just wonderful news?
I'm getting this sudden urge again to write poetry again. At one point in my life I was totally convinced that I wanted to be a real poet with little indie books and performances at poetry readings. That was once a upon a time ago. I tell everyone I stopped writing, but that's not entirely true. I have some very candid things I wrote and kept to myself.
Here are just a few.
from summer 2003
The tattoos, the cigarettes,
the fine wine, the food we'll get
the buses we take
the love we won't make
the music gives reason
for the visits each season
i'll stay low
'til you let me know
your makeout sessions
my drawn out confessions
you're just right for this
so you'll just steal one kiss
"i'm going home sunday,
i'll see you again when you play"
but i won't go
to your next show
-----
i'll make you miss me
i'll wash your clothes and hem your pants
then i'll give you the key
i'll bake you a cake and buy presents
i'll write you a bittersweet letter
then maybe you'll begin to see
that you'll miss me
-----
these pills don't work
like the dizziness i feel when i stand up too fast
i misjudged the drinks
i sat alone in the dark, seeing traffic for stars
you walked up to me and sat down too fast
all this time we just let pass
i know i ran away too fast
you come here to kiss me
i run, making love to strangers
then back, to cry on your shoulders
the dilberate mistakes i make
where is this going? am i staying?
the dilberate mistakes i make
where are you going? where am i staying?
sat down to fast, took off too soon
you fly away too soon baby bird
this little baby bird